2003-10-03

Well, therapy is still going very well. Currently practising expressing emotions, cuz I have never really done it. I have started by accepting, and somethimes even giving, kisses and hugs from my girlfriends. I have always, always been the one to avoid such interactions. Back living in Sydeny as a young ratbag, I would always deride and avoid the overt huggin and kissing of the raver, freaker set. All huggin' and kissin', peace man stuff really made me uncomfortable and I would spit about how I hated that shit. I had always written it off as me not being 'like that'. I always just remove myself from the group as goodbyes are huged to eachother and kisses hit swapped cheeks, and I think people just know that I don't do that stuff. And I'm don't and that's mostly because such affection was never really shown in my family, growing up.

I remember being quite close to my dad when I was really little, but then it stopped. And now I think about it, it may be linked to the fact that when I was about 7 I was abused by a great uncle - maybe that made me hate physical contact with relatives...? And perhaps also having a step-father who was physically abhorrent to me, and I saw as a sleazy, oozy man who did nought but comment on how I might be a slut (even though I was the opposite, a library dwelling, pop music loving nerd) and then turn around and try to feel me up. Or talk about my emerging boobs. All that shit will stop you from expressing yo'self physically. (However, I have never been reserved in showing affection to boyfriends, in fact quite the opposite...)

But now, I have to start living as a normal human being and its normal to express like for people, and I never have done that. I mean, I have, but always in quite material ways: giving them stuff, cooking dinner, doing them favours etc. Never with words ("you're such a good friend") or in demonstrative ways ( a simple hug). And, you know, I am starting to feel a bit happier and able to do this kind of thing. Though still only in very safe environments, like with my fave girl pals....

It seems that a lot lately I have been talking about ageing - many of my friends, and I are getting towards, or past the 30 years mark. We are starting to face things like reduced passion for overt activism. I mean, we still care about stuff, but we are less likely to be planning a trip to the desert for a mass protest, or a march for peace or a vote for change. Increasingly, we don't 'get' the music that hits the charts. And we have to face that 'the kids' simply see us as adults, no matter how 'cool' we are. Its somethngs we all say will never happen, but it does and its somewhat disheartening. Though this feeling of being 'old' is probably somewhat generated by our societies obsession with youth...once you are 'old' you have to face things like ensuring you have income, consider permanent shelter (so many people I know talk about loans, buying houses and settling down - including me!) and think about family or commitment to our partners. Its a bit of a scary time. Fuck, I even have a little bit of grey hair now, and have started to notice grey hairs in the heads of my friends. Aren't we too young to have grey hair? Is the increase stress of modern life causing us to all go grey younger? Once I have enough grey hair, I will stop colouring and let it grow long and natural....

Of late, I have been getting healthier, after getting off the gear (as announced by Nardia last night, at the gig..."Kylie's off the gear!"). the weight is coming back to me. I no longer feel like a stick that may snap in the wind. I have thighs! I have boobs! And am considering the purchase of a bra, the first in about 10 years...