2003-02-08

I finally got paid properly this week so I could go restock on my herbs, as I have been without some and feeling crap. Pay day also means I can do my shopping at the stupidmarket, and I did it at 8.30am at Mayfield. When I shop alone I am really quite slow. I hate the urgency and singlemindedness everyone shows when they shop for food. Maybeits cuz we are driving trolleys, we get road rage and think we own the aisle. I refuse to buy into this vibe, I won't barge in order to get around some stooped over old lady grabbing her porridge and tins of cat food. When we are old, we can't move or think as fast as some 21 year old looking for the deodorant aisle. When i go to the stupidmarket, all I see are reminders that we have become a fast, plastic and uncaring society. I see it in the food, the displays and the attitude of perfectly normal people upon entering the stupidmarket. And I think old people in them look really, really sad. I have quite a resolve to not rely on the stupidmarket by the time 2012 rolls around. But that's another paranoia all together...

I feel myself returning more and more each day. I feel myself able to actually do things I want. Though, my mind is still not trying hard enough! In the past 6 years, I have *done* so much, that it became that *doing* was my way of life. I always had to be *doing* and there was so much to *do* that my brain didn't get tothink of much else except the next thing to *do*. Waking up is sometimes very frustrating, my head just starts turning on what I have to *do*. This sometimes gets me so anxious (and I haven't even arisen!) that I have to get out of bed to nip the anxiety in the bud. Otherwise I will just lie there and think of shit Ihave to do and stress about not having done them. Even today, where I had deliberately made no plans, I woke up thinking shit about stuff to do. So I realise now that it is a physical state my brain has gotten used to awakening in this frenetic way, beginning the calculation of the days events as it emerges from slumber. I will try to h\think of other things as I wake up and not give myself the heebee geebees before I even get up.