2003-06-28

Finally it is done. My drawn-outness of the last two years has been relieved. But I feel no relief...in fact I am very angry. So now its time to work through the anger without it eating me up.

I am having difficulty now, as I have simplified my life so I may spend it properly with another. Now I have no 'other' and I am walking around the house, freaking out about what to do. I freak out all the time, since I have geared my life towards others for so long. Now that its mine alone, I have no clue how to enjoy it. It doesn't feel like being enjoyed. I don't see the point without someone to share it with...

Whack thoughts have been going through my head. I am desperately schlepping around people's houses, hoping they are doing something fun, since I am a bit lonely. But everyone already has their life set up and operating (fine, or not). I've been waiting two years for mine to start, and now it has been whipped away from me. And so I am at the end of my loose ends, and really feeling THAT....END. That's what it all really feels like at the moment...THE END.

Not just for me and my intentions and daydreams. But THE WORLD. I put it in capitals cuz lower case sounds cheesy. I might as well capitalise, to be sure I am speaking of THE WORLD. We don't care about eachother anymore....hey, at least in Sydney there was this pretext of all the freaks and hippies caring for eachother. In Newcastle, its about survival and not been sucked in to the redneck crap. Many, I have observed, have failed the latter. I'm so fucking sick of people talking trendy shit then acting like redneck step-fathers. I have even managed to get my song about it, into the Bitchcraft set::: LIPSERVICE. That song is about 18 months old, but it still burns in my belly. Their art speaks of not repeating crappy cycles of bad behaviour learned from our parents and stuff...hey, presto!! They simply decide that its better TO repeat the cycles. I see it in front of me. You are lying. Or not trying anymore,,,,and I guess that is pretty sad and we should cry together. Not make me feel crap cuz I don't talk big bullshit.

The other day, I rode the bike into town to go see my psycologist at the MENTAL "Facility". Apprehensive, as you are. First incidence was at the fucking Marina apartments development, that is located in Wickham, previously an industrial port area. Some fuckers were doing some landscaping. Upon my approach, they all stopped work, recovered from their stooped position and just stared at me, with those fucking stupid grins on their faces, that all workmen get when confronted with a female under 200kgs and over 4ft. Second incident was about 500m later, as I passed another apartment development, along the foreshore. From atop the five stories of scaffolded shadecloth and cum, I heard the familiar wolf whistle. By this time, my anxiety was mile-high and pushing me to tears. So I yelled "MUST IT HAPPEN AT EVERY SITE!!!??". Having not heard the prompting whistle, the foreman at the road level told me roughly and loudly "SHUT UP!" I relpied "Then don't let your men abuse every woman that comes past"

Of course, not at all an effective return.

The other day, I was walking to work, past a site where industrial warehouses are being constructed on some crappy land. The warehouses are also of that prefab cement kind, where they put the walls up in complete sheets and in 5 years they look crappy as fuck. You've seen them, in the industrial area of your suburb or town. They are post-1990. Anyhow, I was whistled at several times, by several men. I yelled out "I walk past here to get to work! Is this going to happen everytime!!" As usual just laughs and bravado. And I cry.

I would like to advocate prostitutes on building sites. Give the girls some guarenteed work, and keep passersby safe from the disgusting animals. I tried to think of a cleverer term that "disgusting animals" but I am on the verge of tears as I type this. From these harassment experiences, the joys of a redneck stepfather, sexual abuse by a great uncle at age 6 and my luck in love since 1989, I am starting to hate men. None of them know how to be men. None of them know about bravery, and resilience and respect. None of them know about the duality of love - two people, tightly bound, no matter what befalls them. None of them understand sex, only craving it like some base creature crawling from primordial goo. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO!??

*A bit of a PS:: maintained my rage and wrote letters to the developers, the local paper and the managing real estate agents. All via email, with my postal address at the bottom. I asked them if there was a code of conduct on building sites...