2003-07-19

Been feeling a lot lately. One moment I am happy, and content (those these moments are few), next I will be sobbing, rocking and pleading with the world. Unable to move, I feel like the whole world is closed onto me and that I have no way out at all. On a couple of occassions lately, I have wished to be dead, which is somehting my depression has never really presented to me before. And increasingly, the swell rises in my stomach even before I have gotten out of bed and that is the worst. To be claimed before I have even begun the day...several times over the last week I have felt irresolutely alone. A few friends tell me I can turn to them in times of need, but do they really understand what that means? I think not, so I don't take them up - no one wants an uncontrollably sobbing, self-absorbed freak in their midst. And besides, most of my pals have enough hassles of their own and I don't think they really have the room to deal with mine, even though they might think they have.

Currently I still see my two psychologists, and am about to add a relationships counsellor to the tally.

I do generally feel OK, but I am so easily brought down at the moment. So easily...I keep getting teary at certain questions or things, for no reason really. (Well, I do have triggers to these things, but they are a bit too personal to tell you all about).

On Sunday, I fly to Brisbane for a few days for work. Before I go, I am smashing my bong and putting it in the garbage, which is collected whilst I am away. This is the only way I will stop smoking. I am very excited about a new life afterwards, with hopefully more energy and less time beating myself up over being shit. And more money - I'm sick of earning good wages and having nothing to show for it... As one of my psychologists said "Its not your friend...after 13yrs not one person has ever come into my office and told me that pot was great, and made them outgoing and enjoy life to the fullest. If it did, I would be out of a job..." Indeed.