2002-01-28

bithcbitchbitchbitchbitch. Its all I seem to do, so it seems.

What I mean is, most people seem to think I am a bitch, but I feel like all I do is accomodate and do things for other people. So where does it come from? Very fucking frustrating. Sometimes I think I should just shut up. Stop talking. No one ever wants to hear what I have to say. Or rather, no one ever hears what I'm saying.

I suspect its cuz few people take responsibility for their own actions, and I tend to call them on it. But its frustrating when your boyfriend doesn't even listen to what you say - like just says "yeh" to whatever is in my brain and pouring out my mouth.

I think I need to get out more.

Currently my back is giving me a bit of hell. This is because I just had to weed the whole garden. This is because the landlord is coming over, and in general, we are supposed to maintain the grounds. We haven't. So we (I) have to do it before they come over.

I have never lived in a house where any of my flatmates ever touch the garden. Its not like they are expected to plant amazing floral displays and keep the garden in competition condition. No. All they are expected to do is pull out the weeds when they pop up, sweep the courtyard and keep it a bit generally tidy. That, it seems is too much for any flatmate I have ever lived with. Bizarre.

So anyhow, everytime I do the garden, I have to follow it with another half hour of back exercises to alleviate the pain caused by stooping in the garden. I don't think this is fair.

But of course, I am just whinging and no one wants to hear it. Fuck them, I'm fucking angry and getting more depressed as the days pass. This shit only adds to it.

Why am I so boring, undesireable and annoying? Why am I worth ignoring half the time? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG HERE??? The more it goes around in my head, the harder it becomes to communicate at all. I'm getting down to the boring conversation starters, cuz no one wants to listen to me anyhow. Or I'm too scared to say what I'm thinking, cuz either it will be interpreted wrongly or be found boring as batshit.

Why is asking a question an attack?

Why is enquiring about your mate's day too hard a question?

Why can't I just fucking speak english like everyone else?

Why can't everyone hear my words as they come out of my mouth? Does the atmosphere twist them as it travels through the vario-air to the ear of another? Is the smile on my face distorted by light waves in the air, before the retinas of another can decipher it clearly?

Oh, I feel so sad lately.