2002-12-08

Today may well be the first day of the rest of my life. I have not been writing much this year. Its been a horrible, horrible year.

My boyfriend wants little to do with me now. I am an addict. The neighbours in my new house are hassling me. I feel very bloody helpless, hate everything and want to cry forever.

I think I am going to start writing again now, as I don't know how I am going to get through this, and maybe writing will help.

There is no space in my head, it floats in a briney sea in my skull and I feel it bumping against the sides. Sometimes I am physically giddy, at others I feel like my head should be on the footpath it is that heavy. Walking like a monkey, but with my head dragging on the ground, drawn there by its sheer wieght.

The guts of it might be that I feel like no one notices me and that I do really nice things. And when I say 'nobody' I might mean the one I love. All I feel is stupid, mean and horrible, which is especially odd since I really know I am not.

Crying and screaming come most easily to mind, but that gets me more disgust. I can't speak, I have always had the problem where I say something and whoever is listening hears something else completely, and chances are, gets angry with me. It is probably written in here somewhere, but I once had to see a Jungian therapist, cuz I thought I was no longer speaking English. That was when I was younger, and now I am older, I have the skills to tell if I am speaking English. Now I am just confounded by the talking medium. People always think I am attacking them. I ask a question, the other starts to sweat. In reality, I am just too curious and want to know everything.

I am also slightly manic, in that I have moods of opposing qualities and can swing through them fairly easily. One moment, quiet not talking and feeling shit. The next, happiest ever, ideas flow light machine gun fire and I won't shut up. I have always been like this, I remember feeling euphoric in my teen years, but remember it being short lived and usually triggered. Half-hour bursts where Kylie is the smartest, funniest and usually loudest girl in the world. I remember feeling like I was going faster than everyone else, and at times, everything around me was a blur, whilst in my mind retained perfect clarity.

Now I feel like I am just living too much in my head, and I need to get out a bit.

So. I fight my addiction. And I find a fucking counsellor thingy. And pray every day that he'll take me again.