2002-01-05

At the moment I seem to be noticing ways in which I am like my father. This is a very odd thing. I mean, Dad and I were pretty close, got on OK but he was not your average man and I never really felt like I knew him very well. He was quiet, very set in his ways, resistant to social interaction and passionate when interested. I probably understand him more now than I did when he was alive. Its a pity my understanding him and him being here to see it didn't coincide.

Its just in the last six months that I have even noticed this stuff.

I rarely go out.

I choke up in social situations.

I don't like to leave my house. Its just fine there.

If I go, I leave early.

If I stay over, its only for one night if at all.

I go to the beach often. Alone. And walk long ways up it.

I wake up way too early. And wish I didn't.

All of these things that I used to tease Dad about, thinking he was a bit strange. He'd come to Christmas dinner, but only for a few hours, then he simply had to go. Not because of anything, but he just wanted to be home. We'd cajole him and tease him for being so silly. Now I'm the one itching to get away as soon as I arrive. I really like home.

Dad would always tell me he'd been up since 5am, couldn't sleep. I would feel sorry for him, wishing he could sleep. I thought that it was cuz he's too highly strung. I awaken before 7am most days, and my brain starts whizzing and I can't get back to sleep. I think I'm too highly strung.

As I get older and stuff, its quite disturbing to see the behavioural similarirites with my parent. Its crazy to think about how powerful the habits of our parents are in shaping how we end up, no matter how much we try to resist it. We all grow up thinking we will NOT be anything like our parents, cuz they are so ADULT and have strange hang ups. So shudder for those whose parents habits are seriously fucked up - what hope have they got to stop that behaviour continuing on into their lives? All they have is their own strength, and thes days, that get's sucked out of you quicksmart.