2003-09-21

ANyone out there who may be alongtime reader of this diary, either online or in print will have read about my struggle with image over the last 3 years. Not some naff, teeny struggle (or maybe it is) but to me it was a real search for an outward identity. Not in order to impress others, but in order to feel conformtable in my own skin.

To recap, when I left Sydney I had arse length dreadlocks and a nice line in urban-warrior black boots and crazy clothes, seperates to mix and match and cause a visual ruckus. Upon arrival in Newcastle, I didn't want to continue garnering so much attention for my appearance - there was no need. In Sydney, everything is competing for your visual attention: advertising, labels, signage, design, stage-shows and sometimes, people and their clothes. I was just part of the visual noise that is a big city.

In Newcastle there is so much more visual space, and if your visual image is shouting at the top of its lungs, people just can't take the noise. they react, often badly, sometimes just blatantly even if it is friendly. You are called on how you look, instead of just being. Basically, its simply not necessary to yell your true colours via your appearance. And, perhaps, I am getting older and no longer need to shout my individuality from the stithces I wear. Well, not as much..

I waslying around with Dame the other day and he noted "So much jeans!". I looked and we were both wearing kinda newish jeans. "Fresh" I said.

For several years in my early twneties I did not own any pants or trousers. I could not handle them at all as I had had so many bad experiences as a teenage with pants. I was a bit bigger in high school and I simply found jeans hyper uncomfortable and any other pants were simply ugly and didn't seem to fit my out-of-proportionally large derriere (spelling? hmmm...you know I mean arse). So I moved to tights and skirtly things. And my! If you had seen some of those skirts, especially in the PURR days. Barely covering my derriere, but always with tights (NOT stockings) underneath. I had stacks of pairs of those shiny 80s lycra style tights...my I had a fine collection.

So anyhow, when I got to Newcastle and cut of my dreads, I had to find a new, comfortable image - not for anyone else really, I just wanted to wear clothes rather than go nude and the old ones would no longer do. I didn't feel comfortable anymore.

There were some terrible shopping expeditions to stores like Jeans West. I bought my first pair of jeans in about 12 years. I got them home and felt instantly uncomfortable, I hated them. I felt depressed when I put them on, cuz they were kinda loose and very blue and I felt pretty shit. So I didn't wear them (my flatmate Jamie ended up taking them on and they looked fine on him). I remember wearing them once (I only wore them about 4 tmes) and a pal from Sydney coming up. "You're wearing blue jeans!" he said in a most surprised manner. That was it, I couldn't wear them.

I gopt some corduroy jeans and that helped alot. They were nice, still quite loose but comfortable. I was losing wieght at a rate of knots so they soon became too bagyg to wear. I was still wearing odd mixes of clothing that didn't make me feel very happy. A mix of my ex-Sydney girl day wear and some now-I-live in Newie more traditional gear. I was feeling schizophrenic.

I fee it is only this year that I have been able to work out how I feel comfortable. I am back in blue jeans now too. Funnily enough, I found that my earlier mistake had been to avoid anything tightish. The baggy jeans simply made me look and feel flubbery. The tigher ones worked much better and make me feel good, and now I feel confident in buying my clothes. I again know what I like. Its revolving around a theme of white-trash rock 'n roll. To anyone who doesn't know me, I am sure I sound like a complete prat rattling on about appearance...but I don't care cuz I have been struggling with my identity since I left Sydney on a number of fronts. Only now do I feel like I am becoming myself.

And as Dame said, even people with heaps and heaps of money wear blue jeans, they are simply one of the comfortablest things to wear - once you have your style sussed. All I can be bothered wearing these days is my jeans...

Songs I can think of that are about blue jeans:

Jazzin' for Blue Jean - David Bowie

Baby Makes Her Blue Jeans Talk - Dr Hook

Denim and Lace - Marty Rhone

and my! They all hella rock!