2003-01-27

Time for another entry. Things haven't improved much, the rut is lenthening.

Finally, I went to a counsellor, feeling a bit guilty cuz I know that you can only affect change in your life by removing yourself from what causes you grief. I know exactly what those things are, but just talked about all the other stuff that dances around the facts. I did feel better, got a new tool for affirming shit in my head, but also got the suggestion of going on anti-depressants. At the time I was very keen, just for it all to be better, so medication might've been nice. Now its one month later, I've still not approached a doctor about prescribing drugs to me. Now, I am not totally convinced. When I feel good, I feel really good, love everything. But then a trigger, an actual event, from the outside, will send me plummeting again, dispair and hate in myself. And I think its unfair and wrong that I should medicate myself, lose the edges that I like feeling, just to cope with those heinous times.

I'm trying to take my life by the scruff of the neck and actually do things. Lately, it has felt like circles, I get momentum and then I am dragged down again.

But I don't think I can go on these drugs, I am afraid I will lose bits of myself. It will cut the edges of my feelings, and I hardly feel as it is I just don't want to be numb. I need to feel stuff or I'll just go. Just go.

I've been trying to exercise a lot, as I think that will be a key to my brain health. I walk to work, run on the beach, do yoga. Doing this is pretty vital to my daily wellbeing, otherwise I am pretty racked with backpain. A strong body means I will not have a sore back. Whenever I move my arms or legs, there are huge clicks and that makes me uncomfortable. Soon, I'm booking in for massages with physical science students where I work. Cheap rates close to work! 40minutes free from pain, once a week.

I've been building a bit of a garden here, as I find that satisfying. Though, I won't find it very fucken satisfying if I get kicked out of here after my 6 month lease is up. ANyhow, I have rocket, tansy, oregano, basil, chamomile, mint bush, seaside daisy, thyme and a few flowery things. The basil crop has been bumper and I am a bit of a kick arse pesto maker these days.

It's been Australia Day, which was my Dad's birthday. Lots of Aussie stuff going on, but I am hoping to go fro a drive to Medowie State Forest, just to hand out. If it doesn't friggin' rain.

See, I can get shit done, and enjoy stuff, it just that it is the minority, and circumstances often bring me right on down. I think I will try to write more. Try try try...