2004-05-21

They say you have to hit the wall before you wake up to yourself. Someone also told me not to beat myself up if I did not get better immediately, since it can take years to retrain your mind into thinking positively, with optimism. Its been almost a year since I began this journey, learning new ways of thinking and little tricks to retrain my mind. I rote learned what was required of me, but it wasn’t being put into practice.

In the last month I have really ramped up. I practise my new skills and do the exercises that help me heal. One of them is called “Mindful Walking” where you simply walk up and down for ten minutes, while concentrating on the sensations of your feet, the pressure as they hit the floor, the weight of your legs as you lift them…and breathe. Pushing all other thoughts away from your mind, learning to be present rather than having your mind rush at a gazillion miles an hour in different directions.

I also have had a need to be much more positive. I have always been looking at the worst side of things, devils advocate, picking holes in plans and generally being a bummer. My mood was never actually “happy”. So now, I try to smile as much as I can. Sometimes it is fake, and I feel crap, but smiling does indeed help you feel a bit happier. It’s a bit of a chicken and the egg situation really: does smiling make you feel happy, or are you happy, so then you smile? Heh…

Smiling works in different ways. If I am walking along smiling, often people will smile back at me. SMILE BACK AT ME!!! Goodness, its quite jarring to realise you CAN be a little ray of sunshine, motivating others to smile.

Also, when I feel negative thoughts coming on, I say to myself a sudden “STOP!”. It actually works for me. My mum once told me she had a similar trick that when she felt negative thoughts coming into her head.

Often, I am moved to judge others and their efforts. Now I have a mantra: “Don’t Judge…..and smile…” So whilst someone may be telling me big pieces of crap, bullshitting me or exposing themselves as lazy excuse makers, rather than judge, I have to let it slide off my back. So I use “Don’t judge….and smile…” all the time. Then I end up having jokes inside my own head about how cheesy that method is. Net result: I have not gotten concerned with others shortcomings. Not my business.

“Not my business” is another mantra. Lots of stuff I get upset about is really not my business. Why should I worry? Geez, Louise, just care about your own shit. That alone is enough stuff to think about, if you want to be worried and concerned. But I have to say it out loud, so that I listen to myself.

Basically I have to do a lot of smiling and reminding myself of these new facts, and it seems to be working. I have felt more positive. Shit, when they told me my car was dead I GOT EXCITED@!! This would never have happened before - I would have worried and complained.

I still want someone to like me though.