2003-04-05

Its 6.18am and I am sitting on the Flyer to Sydney. Its a train, and it gets to Sydney in only 2hrs and 20minutes. Great. I hate going to Sydney it makes me so anxious, even before I have left! Last night, I got up to wee, and my alarm clock (a cheapie from the $2 shop) said 11.35pm. Well, I felt I had been asleep longer than 45mins, so I rang the man who tells the time on the phone. It was 2.20am! My clock had somehow stopped, and was trying to stop me going to Sydney on time. The alarm was set for 5.15am, and when it went off I got up to double check the time with the man who tells the time on the phone. I got back into bed, reasoning with myself that I felt too crappy to go, and that I had too much to do and besides, I had forgotten to check the email that told me the location of this meeting for which I am going to Sydney. Somehow, eventually, I got back up. In the course of getting ready, there were another two occassions where I decided not to go, either because I had to much to do or becuase I didn't really know the location of where I was going. Just making excuses not to go. And I make these excuses because I so easily feel crap lately. I'm scared of getting dizzy, cuz I won't have access to nice (or any) foods to eat for the next 3 hours or more. I'm scared of getting stressy towards the end of the day, because I am still an addict. And I'm anxious about feeling anxious once I arrive there. To counter these things, I have packed some snacks to keep my brain going (fresh pineapple, organo bread and butter, some toasted pumpkin seeds and some macadamia nuts), some Valarian (to stop me stressin') and I will try to breathe all day. I am travelling to Sydney for work, for a workshop thing. Down and back, do what I must do. Pick up the pay check at the other end, that is all. The last few weeks have been as ordinary as recent writings would indicate. And that is why I haven't written, partly, because I don't want to just go on and on, in full diary style. LP isn't about that, its about stories. And I am trying... Things got pretty low, when I found out about a Drug and Alcohol unit at one of the local hospitals. A free place, with doctors and it only took a week to get an appointment. I wanted to go because I have symptoms that fuck me over and don't let me move forward with this thing. So I meet the nice doctor, who is really cool and understands nutrition and herbal medicine. He makes me feel better, in that I'm not at all a hopeless case. I get some blood tests, cuz I am scared about diabetes - one of my symptoms is light-headedness which is alleviated by eating something. This usually indicates some insulin/blood sugar problem, which runs in my family. He also tests me for Hepatitis C, since I have injected drugs (although not for about 7 years). We also check levels of iron, salt and a heap of other elements. He asks if I am depressed and I mumble stuff about thinking how shit everything is. He leaves that right there for now. After descibing my symptoms to him, the doctor decides I am salt deficient. Indeed! In this world where everyone is trying to cut down on the evil salt, I find I am deficient. This is becuase, after years of eating like shit (if at all) my body is in catatonia. Catatonic (being the opposite of anabolic - to build up) means my body has been in decline. One of the things to suffer was my salt levels, and this deficiency can present as light headedness, fatigue and can block insulin response. The remedy for this was nice and simple, something I could make at home to a recipe used by WHO apparently. Kylie's Salt Giving Elixer 2 litres water 1.5 teaspoons of salt 3 teaspoons sugar 3 chlorovescent tablets Make up to two litres. Drink 1litre a day. Luckily chlorovescent tablets have a 'pleasant' blackcurrant flavour. They are these big tablets that come in the same packaging as denture cleaning tablets, which makes me feel nice and old. Anyhow, I am not completely sure if it is working, as these kinds of treatments are more subtle. But I am starting to think the giddyness is starting to subside. But I am keen to stick with it to give everything a go. The other thing I am giving a go is Cognitive Therapy. The Unit at the hospital runs courses and the doctor said I should go. I have to be serious and actually try stuff like this. Its a bit embarrassing, since I am sure it will be a group therapy and that is so daunting to me. What if somene I knew was in the group. Goodness, me! I'm scared cuz I think I do pretty well at hiding this part of my life -I'd hate it to come out now. Having said all those positive things, I have still be feeling quite wrong. The old 'hating every day' things, though I have been able to push 'absolute dread' down these last couple of weeks. I've been pretty ordinary company (er, possible even 'heinous'), but all I have really wanted is to just be alone for a bit. I've gotta find ways to deal with that, cuz it seems to be so selfish, and it isn't really possible. One overbearing emotion has been guilt. I feel too guilty to speak to my Mum. I feel guilty about not making good contact with my family. I feel guilty for treating Dame so crap. I feel guilty for being one of the most selfish friends ever. I feel guilty that I can't give my cat affection - there just simply is no room, nothing left. It feels a bit like being in a cartoon where I am actually a Kylie shaped balloon, except I have been deflated. I sit on a chair with my wrinkly, floppy plastic skin just hanging, no air in me. Somehow, I keep the 'professional' life cranking along. I went for a job interview on Monday, to go for the position as Training Co-ordinator for Hunter Institute, where I would be responsible for training all staff in the new Web Services technology. I prepared and delivered a 20min presentation on the stuff they asked, which was the usual "What are the key lelements of this project", "What challenges willbe faced", "What strengths can you bring to the position". I give quite good presentation, so I kicked ass with my HTML/CSS presentation - I hate Microsoft Powerpoint. It makes me feel stupid even to open the program. Powerpoint kinds says to me "Awwww, you poor, computer illiterate business man! You have to give a little widdle presentation? Awwww, want some help, I will do it aaaaallllll for you. In heinous corporate templates and stupid fade out effects. You will look sooooooo clever! I pwomise!" So I never use it. I am quite confident of getting the job, though I believe I will decline the offer. Despite the fact its a shitload of cash, a great career move and right up my alley. I just cannot face the concept of full time work and the loss of flexibility I currently enjoy. I don't want to be a salary girl, and I really feel the need to look after myself. I am really in a bind between the "Oh, its SUCH a great opportunity for my future" and "I just don't want to comprimise my lifestyle man". I am quite torn... Well, the train has made it to Morriset and the carriages really fill up. And I am on the carriage with the mother who won't stop telling her child (a toddler) "No!" and "Don't!". She ain't coping at all...goodness. I am so anxious and this situation is making me quite edgy. I feel bad, the baby is not that stoked, and Mum is not dealing...she has not stopped chastising the child, in a raised voice, since she got on. The kids isn't actually doing anything much, and the Mum obviously likes the kid. She has obviously got some coping issues. Like announcing loud enough for the train to hear "I can't smack you. I'm not allowed!" The last thing to talk about is the war I suppose. The stupid constant coverage, the gung ho comments of US reporters about how awesome the weaponry is, journos 'embedded' with troops like its some marketing junket, watcihng live as people die in bombed buildings, watching gory shots of injured people, looking at scared faces of Iraqi kids snatching food from US soldiers and the scared facesof captured soldiers. Its really offensive the kinds of language and facial expressions these news people are using. I think the disappearance and deaths of so many journalists is really not so surprising, I mean they are making light of this whole thing and reporting it live like it is a soap opera. fuck, do we need to see, live, the bombs destroy people! I expect that the outcome of the war will either be a) full on destruction on a world scale, armageddon/Nostradamus/Mayan prophecy style. Death, pestilence and a really bad time. If we are not dead. b) things will stay the same, gradually declining, getting crapper and meaner People are rising up, but the leaders don't care and are squashing dissent where they can. Here in Sydney, students have been holding rallies. On both occassions, children have been sprayed in capsicum sprayed and some arrested. At the most recent rally there were 400 kids and 400 cops. The kids were ringed by cops and some, who had wanted to simmply say they hated the war, just wanted to go home. As the news report ended, the newsreader announced that the NSW Education department had sent out a directive to all public schools that open discussion about the war was not allowed. I am not sure why, I didnt catch that, but it certainly is pretty full on. In Australia, the government is now telling us what we can and can not talk about?! That we cannot discuss alternate views? My freakin' goodness. So I am trying to almost ignore the war, as I feel so powerless. John Howard tells us that he won't listen to our protests, letters to the local paper tell me that I must be supporting Hussein, children are being sprayed with poison by cops and Nationalism is all the rage. My current favourite punishment would be to have Howard stripped down to boxer shorts and wifebeater and have to stand around inthe main street of Sydney. That's about as humiliating as I can think at 7.24am.