2003-05-11

OK, this weekend epitomises why I have been so fucked in the head over the last 12 months. I feel stupid, as usual, as I have gotten myself inthis situation. I spent the last two days getting Bitchcraft CDs into stores, becuz I decided I would finanacially support the release of my bands CD. And since I still have 80 left and I am $500 out of pocket I really need to offload them. Of course, no one asked me to chuck in and pay for the CDs so its my own silly fault. Yesterday was 3 hours waiting for Officeworks to finish a print job that should have taken 5 mins - which resulted in me standing around the store, totally going into a trance to avoid going mental.

In the morning I had called some local stores to get an idea of the 'go' for having them stock our CD. I did this so that I would be prepared and have all the things I needed when I went to the store. However, the Officeworks debacle meant they had closed before I got to them. I did however make it to two stores on Darby St: one no longer stocks CDs (only books) and the staff in the other had no clue how to help me and suggested I come back next Thursday (which would be fine if I didn't WORK!!). I was pretty perturbed after spending 5 hours of my Saturday doing posters and stuff, and I got NO CDs into stores. But I made some very sexxxxy colour posters...now if I could just put them in a freakin' STORE!!

Today was not much fun around here, being Mother's Day and various issues with mothers being explored...but I did get back on the store trail again at about 1pm. I went to a good local CD store in the mall - I had rung them the day before and was now armed with my ABN, posters, CDs and a good line in 'why they should stock our CD' (this store needs you to show them you are promoting the CD). However, I was again let down, when the storeperson had no consignment forms out the front. He was on his own in the store and could not go out the back to grab me one. So he said come back another day...FUCK!!

There was one more store I had called on Saturday - I'd been advised to go in on Sunday when the boss was in. By this time, I was feeling very shit, very stupid for my enthusiasm (in spending $500 when no one really asked me to) and not particularly rosy about music store staff. In this store (which has a kick ass second hand area) I decided to simply browse for awhile to cheer myself up a bit. As usual, I found some pearlers for stupidly cheap prices: Peaches "Teaches of Peaches" for $15, Ms Dynamite's CD for $13 and a very old Hecate EP for $4. Hecate were an all girl band from Rock and Roll High School in Melberg int he early 90s. They features Stephanie, who ran the school, on drums and the rest of the band had been classically trained. I saw them once and remember thinking how the guitarist was the most kick arse metal guitarist around and later finding they were classically trained. Fuck they were amazing...

So I went to the counter to buy my goods, which were rung up and paid for by EFTPOS. Only then did I have the courage to say that I had called about having our CD stocked there, and had been told to come in today and I had posters and ABN and everything. Maybe I looked pathetic, cuz the two women were really nice to me. Talking about how they couldn't write in the consignment book properly cuz the vodka shots had worn off. They liked our band name and I mentioned we were all girls and one said "Nah well I've gone right off girls, don't like them" in the same tone as the vodka 'joke'. I knew she was joking, as I had picked them for dykes and felt glad. Dykes often like our moxy. They took 10 CDs with very little fuss. Yay!

So my two weekend days eaten up and I only got them into one measly store!!! Now I have to finish work early this week so I can get to the other stores...I really just want to get the CDs out there...I spend all my spare time doing things for others, even tho they have not asked me to and aren't really concerned either way. I am trying to stop it and just do things from which I alone will benefit. I feel like this way, I might heal a bit. I am, afterall, quite a dickhead!

I am a bit scared about becoming a grown up. I remember feeling joy and happiness and looking forward to things, but I so rarely feel these things anymore. I desperately hope its not cuz I am growing up, as I don't want to be like this for the rest of my like, I don't want this to be the 'adult Kylie'. I don't want to feel my heart progressively sink lower no matter what I do. Yesterday in the supermarket I just got really depressed LOOKING at everyone and how sad they looked or how angry they looked or how lonely they looked. I have no clue how to derive joy.

And goshers, doesn't stuff like the current political situation just make it so much easier to find that joy? Our Governor-General, who used to be a leading figurehead in the Anglican Church is in deep shit. And he is in that deep shit for his behaviours ten years ago, especially in regard to the sexual assualt of two girls (12 and 13). These girls were assaulted by a teacher at the Anglican school. The G-G, who was in charge at the time, really did nothing to come to the aid of the children.

We have to get it through the skulls of the men running this country that smoothing stuff over is not making everything OK. The only correct reaction to cases where a perpetrator in known is to completely support the child. COMPLETELY SUPPORT THE CHILD. The G-G kinda brushed off the parents, a school nurse and others who wrote to him about the issue. YOU CAN'T PLEASE ALL THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME. He was trying to make everything OK for the school, the church and the careers involved. And hoping the kids would be OK.

It was said by a woman that rather than offering supportive grunts and nods to victims of sexual assualt, our leaders need to ACTIVELY speak out AGAINST it. Its always nods and political double speak, rather than sending a very certain clear message that having sex with kids is not at all cool. STOP THIS SHIT IT IS WRECKING US.

And geez, you know you are going to hell in a handbasket when your neighbours don't even make any pretence about caring about how they interact with the world. They don't even USE their recycling bins. Meanwhile, after alerting my landlord to the fact that two banana trees in my backyard were falling over, I have come home to find them all gone. He has come over and within 1.5 hours cut down and removed 6 trees. Props for the efficiency, dis for the lack of trees in my backyard now.

I really like Shaun Micallef and he has a new show on telly tomorrow night. I am also addicted to Big Brother, which is stupid. Roy and HG cack my hole. Home pesto kicks it, as do my home made choc chip bikkies. I also love pepitas and green beans, fried in a bit of oil on high for a few minutes. And as usual, Organic Feast just rocksit, saving my life bi-weekly. Salty water can bite me. Sigh.

Happy Mother's Day. I just called my mum, who I think is really rad and I feel really terrible for never going to visit.